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mywalea
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« on: March 16, 2009, 10:37:25 PM » |
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Back on November 17th, I became distracted puttering around in my yard. Shortsy, my baby, an Precious had run an errand with me and were still in the front yard. I have a huge yard and neither girls had ever gone down the driveway in the 6 years we have lived here. Consequently, I allowed myself to become distracted at which time Shortsy got caught in the long shadow one of the oaks caste on the driveway and wandered into the traffic.
By the time I got to her, not only was she gone, but she was a mess. I had always told her she was my heart and it was just like my heart was mashed into that road. When I got to the side of the road, all of the traffic moved to the other lane and I just fell to the ground with my back to oncoming traffic - I did not care and probably wished someone would just hit me and put me out of my pain and misery.
Once I removed her and managed to take care of her remains, I could not understand how people could not have seen her as my driveway is sloped downward and there is clearance from before the city limit sign before my property. With 3 driveways all slanted down to the road, Shortsy a light Champagne color with longer than usual legs and body for a Llaso walking down a hill in the middle of my driveway - she was was no more than than 6 to 10 inches from the edge of the road when i found her - laying exactly in the center of my drive entrance could have NOT seen her.
The reason I think she got caught in the shadow of the tree is: we are in the country here and b4 I put up a fence, she almost caught a skunk. at that time I had no idea what the spray would do to their eyes but it hardens the cornea, giving them less and less clear vision- that is why i said she got caught in the shadow and followed the drive down as the shade fell down into that lane of traffic.
I have found myself sitting at the end of my driveway watching the traffic, trying to figure out who was so calloused as to reduce their sped for coming into the city limits, being able to see her slowly walking toward the road (or not) and just a mere 10 to 12 feet from a flashing 35 mph school zone, kill my baby. Who could have had so little appreciation for life, that they would take the most precious thing in my life?
Then, I switch back to blaming myself for leaving her alone. For that I beat myself up constantly ... why didn't I go in, why didn't I put her inside, whey were we not in the backyard, why wasn't I working something that needed my attention inside .... why .... why ... why? There are so many things I could have done differently!
Yes, I know I will see her again once I cross over (and do I ever look forward to being with her again!).
Yes, I communicate with her now. And when I think about it rationally, I feel selfish. I want to think about all of the wonderful things Shortsy did, what she meant to me and how I felt with her by my side and smile.
Unfortunately, now there are only tears and sobs... my heart hurts every time I think of her not here with me physically. She is/was my best friend, my baby, my confidant, my heart, my bed buddy .... you name it.
I apologize for the length of this request. I already know the stages of grief and have experienced it on a significant level several, if not many times before.
I want to be able to look forward to being with her again, to feel warm knowing how special she is and how lucky I was to be able to spend that time here with her, to look at her pictures and smile.
Will someone PLEASE HELP ME?
Broken heartedly,
patty ~ Mywalea
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